From Tree to Table {Hello, Autumn}

*Please excuse the horrible quality of the photos in these posts. They were all taken with the iPhone since I am apparantly too scatter-brained to fix the battery situation in my camera.

Autumn is by far my favourite season. Perfect hoodie & jeans weather, cool breezes, beautiful coulours, the crunch of leaves, the smells. Perfection.
Fall is our house means lots of baked good and the smell of cinnamon.. the kids (and husband!) have come to expect the annual trip to the orchard, picking out pumpkins and hot apple cider.
Even our wedding had notes of our family traditions, we were married in October and a few weeks prior, away we went to the orchard, lovingly picked each apple, and then slow-cooked and canned apple butter to give our guests as favors.

This year, we came home with 2 little pumpkins, some cider and 4 bags of apples. Some for eating, some for baking.

Last night I made pie and apple crisp the kitchen was filled with smells of baked apple, cinnamon and love.

What is your favourite season? What are some of your family traditions that bring warmth on cold days?

Happy Autumn .Happy Home.
                 
                                            
  

And then there were 5 {Keep your chin up}

Rob's parents left almost a week ago to go back to Alberta.. I cannot even articulate how much I miss them.
I don't know if it's the fact that it's been nearly two years since we saw them last.. or maybe it's the way the kids are so in love with them.. maybe it's because I am so happy to have them near, or maybe it's because we are so lonely.

I don't know why it felt empty when they left, but Rob and I have been keeping ourselves so busy.. trying not to think too much about the cloud hanging over our heads.
Making sudden decisions to paint the kitchen and doing it in one day.. rearranging the living room to suppress that growing feeling of wanting to pack up everything and follow them to the end of the world, Rob up the the roof, finally re-shingling the mudroom..

Am I sounding just a little dramatic yet?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. all we have is each other.. just the 5 of us from day to day. We rely on each other for everything and our little family unit is strong and soldiers on, and we do it ourselves and we do it together. We have love and we have happiness, but there is loneliness there too... a yearning to have family close by, to have a mother who stops for coffees and accompanies my daughter and I for a pedicure and some girl-time.. to have a father to help with my husband with his little projects around the house and to pick on the kids and to barbeque for us on the weekends.

Little things.. little things you take for granted.

I don't regret our move back to Ontario.. we gave another province a try and it just wasn't for us and it's nobody's fault.I just wish life was easy.

I just miss the little things.. so, so much.

Trying to be selfless {& putting myself last.. first?}

I have worked on and off through my life, but for the better part of my time as a mother, I have been home with my kids. My daughter was born when I was far too young to have a child, and we struggled when she was a baby. I attended college for the earlier part of her life and obtained a degree in Early Childhood Education. I worked in public daycare for a little while until we moved further from the city, where I worked at meaningless jobs for a little while. Once Kaleb came along I stayed at home for a year, until we moved again, this time out west to follow Rob's family and see where it would take us. While we lived there and once we moved back, I continued working until after we bought our house. At that point, it was beginning to become evident that Kaleb was struggling and that he needed me home with him, so I quit my job to be home with him full-time. I babysat a few kids here and there but nothing ever really stuck.
Over the past few years I have flirted with the idea of going back to school, even though the thought is terrifying.. it is something that I really hope to do, and I let myself get my hopes up that I was going to return in January, after the baby's first birthday.

Unfortunately for me, that's just not going to happen.

Being a stay-at-home mom has been relatively easy for me up until now. Truthfully, I am doig what comes naturally to me, and that's caring for my children. Sure, I run out of patience on some days.. and other days I get a little stir-crazy.. but for the most part, I am genuinly content with where I am.

But I know it can't last forever.

Deep down in there, there's a part of me that aches to do something meaningful with my life.. to work with children like my son and feel rewarded and the end of the day. There is a part of me that yearns to make something better of myself.. to be proud of myself and subsequently have my children be proud of their mother.

It always comes down to money, in the end.

We live on one income, we're used to this and we do fine on a day-to-day basis, but to factor in tuition, along with the cost of childcare, without the second income.. just isn't doable right now.
I had to sit down and really think about this.. on one hand, I could be selfish and just do it, and on the other, I could put my family and my marriage first and set aside myself for a little longer.

I think the answer is as obvious to you as it was to me.

Rob and I already have the odds stacked up against us. We fight stereotypes every day. We got together young, had kids young, bought property young.. by all rhyme and reason we should end in a messy divorce and end up poverty-stricken, but that just isn't going to happen for us.
Maybe if I hadn't married my best friend.. maybe if we didn't have an immeasurable amount of love and respect for one another, maybe if it was anyone but us.
That being said, I feel responsible to not put an unnecessary strain on our marriage, be it financial or otherwise, so for now, furthering my education will take the back burner.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me and my family, but I know this, beyond any shadow of a doubt.

We will get there, together.

The bad days {& when they become fewer and further between}

Thursday was a bad day for little K.

He was tired, I was tired. He had a friend over and from the time he woke up he was becoming increasingly over-stimulated and frustrated.
He was doing his laps, he was stuttering his words. He was closing his eyes tight and growling. He was screaming and squealing and with every word he spoke, his voice went up an octave and became louder and louder. I was exhausted, so was he. By the end, he collapsed in his bed in a fit of tears and anger and fell asleep.
An hour later he came down the stairs, one by one.
"I'm sorry Mommy". He said quietly and came over to me when he embraced me in a great, big bear hug. The ones only he can give.
"It's okay Buddy". I said back, enjoying the hug and thinking back to just two short years ago when it was hard to get him to give even the smallest hug, let alone have him linger there for longer than a few seconds.

Some days, most days, I forget that we have a child with Aspergers. On most days, we are so stuck in our routine and our adapted way of dealing with everything that is thrown at us that I don't notice that our Kaleb is just a little bit different. A little bit different in a totally awesome way.
Most days, he just seems a little louder, a little more stubborn, a little more obsessive than most kids.

Then there are days like thursday. Days when I just want to throw myself down on the floor like a child and hug my knees to my chest and cry. Days when he is so emotionally exhausting that I just want to throw my hands in the air and stop trying.
These are the days that I have to stop and think. When I have to remind myself what it was like just one, two, three years ago, when he could barely put a sentence together, when we couldn't understand what he was trying to say and he would hit himself. When he didn't even call me "Mama". When I would cry at the thought that I was doing something wrong.
I need to stop and think about those days and never, ever forget how I felt at that very moment, because that's when I realize that I will never be there again. That we are all improving with every passing day. That the tantrums and the running and the frustration gets thinner all the time and we continue to see such a difference in our boy.

I mean, how lucky are we?? We get to experience this journey with our son. And even though there are a few "Thursdays" thrown in the mix, even though there are plenty of negative feelings and sadness and emotions that we can't even begin to articulate, we are a family, and we are amazing.

And so is he.

Pregnancy, out with a bang. (The body that Trent built)

**Originally posted @LJ on 12/22/10**


So, here we are, 6 weeks to the day after little Trenton entered our lives with such force and inpact it nearly swept us up off our feet. I think it may have, in hindsight, because as stupid as it sounds, it felt like I was floating for days, my mind clouded.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's true that your heart grows with every child that you have. You feel like you couldn't possibly have any more love to give and then BAM. This miracle comes into your life and you are flooded with so many emotions it almost makes you crazy.. and nothing is different this time around.


I remember when Hailey was born, I didn't feel a bond with her right away. I still have a hard time admitting that, to this day. I remember she was in the bassinet next to my bed and I kept looking over at her and feeling this detachment. I didn't dare tell anyone at the time, with begin SO young and inexperienced, the feelings terrified me. As I look back and remember, I'm sure it was the fact that she was taken from me and fed her while they were stitching me. (she was born naturally after over 40 hours and I had a 4th degree tear) She was gone from me for nearly 3 hours before they brought her back and after that, she wouldn't latch and I had to bottle feed, which was devastating. It took me a few days before I started feeling that *feeling* towards her, the one that everyone talks about, the one I knew I was supposed to feel.


When Kaleb was born, it was a whirlwind. My water broke at 32+2 weeks and I did not go into labour. Eventually, at 33 weeks they induced, and he was born without complications (other than being premature, obviously) after only 7 hours. Again, my newborn child was taken from me, without even first being placed in my arms. He was put in neonatal intensive care where he remained for just over 3 weeks. He was fed expressed breastmilk through a tube in his nose. He was strapped to a table with IV's in his little body as he was being treated for jaundice. The first time I held him, he was almost 2 days old. I loved him right away, I did, but the bond wasn't there immediately, yet again.

Trenton is our third child, but the first planned baby. I wanted him so badly. We stopped using precautions in August of last year (right before our wedding) and I got pregnant right away. I was shocked but so happy. I called my best friend and told some of my family right away.. then, at 7 weeks, I miscarried while Rob was away on business. I remember being in the bathroom and saying to myself, "No, no, no, no, no!!" out loud when I saw what was happening. I felt no pain and I healed very quickly. Life went on, and Rob and I continued our very relaxed approach to "not not trying" for another baby. We didn't want to use ovulation kits, or calculate days and numbers and use pH strips. We just wanted to let it be.. While he was taking a relaxed approach I was feeling like a failure every time I would get a period. Getting anxious 2 days before the expected date and taking a (failed) pregnancy test.
5 months later, I was pregnant again. It was Hailey's 7th birthday party and I knew. I knew I was pregnant. I took a test and there they were, those 2 little pink lines...
Fast forward to Trent's birthday. Like you know, I was determined to prove my c-section-happy OB wrong and deliver my "HUGE BABY" naturally. After all, how the hell did he know what I could or couldn't do?? They estimated Trenton's weight to be 10lb, 2oz... I said no way he's that big, those things aren't accurate at all, blah blah. 5 days later, when he was born, he weighed 10lb, 4oz.
I still find it hard to say "birth" when I talk or think about the day he was.. born. It felt so much more like an extraction.
"Happy first extraction day, Trenton!!".. imagine the looks on everyone's faces.
Anyway. There I was, strapped to the table. I had laboured, hard, for 13 hours.. determined to deliver him the way I had planned, determined to have a normal birth.
I had this image in my mind of what it would be like.. he would come out, pink and perfect and they would put him on my chest. Rob would exclaim, "It's a boy!" happily, then cut the cord. There he would stay. On my chest. They would clean him while he lay there. We would breastfeed right away. Life would be perfect. Nobody would take my baby away.
I tried.. I really did. My contractions were around 2 minutes apart from the beginning. 13 hours went by and I was fully dilated, but Trenton was still way up there, and was not descending. I tried pushing, something felt... wrong. I realized that things weren't going to happen for us and I gave up.
"Just do it." I said, after the doctor offered to give me another hour, but warned me of an emergency c-section. "Don't prolong the inevitable'.
They rushed to start prepping for surgery, and while I don't remember much, I clearly remember saying, "I failed."

Out he came, pink and perfect, and then taken away. I was too drugged to care. Numb from my armpits down to my toenails, trying to stay awake on the table so I could at least see him before I fell into a deep sleep. I don't even remember hearing him cry.

When all was said and done and the fog cleared away, he didn't leave my side. We spent those 4 days together in the hospital in bed together, figuring each other out. I spent my time inspecting his fingers and toes and his little hairs and smelling his head and listening to him breath... running my fingers gently over the little bruises on his arms. He tried too.. he tried to come down, but he was stuck, we just didn't fit... and had he been born naturally, he could have broken a clavicle or displaced a shoulder and where would we be then?? We spent our time nursing and sleeping. They tried to get me to supplement since he was feeding every 40-60 minutes and I said, "Fuck no!" This was mine. My time. We were going to do this. And we did. I have never felt so victorious in all my life.
And you know what? The bond is there, stronger than ever.

This third and last baby.. he sure has left his mark. He has left me with skin I can pull off my belly and up over my head. With wrinkles around my belly button and a badass scar where he was pulled from my body.
He left me marked and scarred and bruised to remind me of my journey through pregnancy and delivery. To remind me that life doesn't always go the way it's supposed to, even when you want it more than anything in the world. That you might feel like a complete failure, but that things happen for a reason, and in the end, everything is going to be okay.

Welcome.

This will be my first real post at the new blog, "Mama Bee {to the power of three}". I have been keeping a journal over at LJ for years and years, and have decided that while I will still use that place for certain little updates, as well as keeping up with some wonderfully supportive communities, it was time for me to find my own space for our stories.. so here we are. Please bear with me over the next few days while I select some of my favourites to share with you.

My name is Janyne. I am married to Rob. Together, we parent 3 beautiful children named Hailey (to be known as H) who was born at 41 weeks on March 7th, 2003, Kaleb (K) who was born at 33 weeks on September 8th, 2005, and our newest (and last!) little bundle, Trenton (who will be named as T..are you seeing a trend?) who was born at 40 weeks and one day on November 10th, 2010.
Together, we are the Beaudettes. We live a quiet life in a tiny town in South-Eastern Ontario, Canada.
Here, at Mama Bee, I will be keeping a record of our quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) life. I will be sharing stories of love, laughter, fear, parenting fails and wins, home renovations, and probably the occasional fart joke. I will be sharing photos and videos of this family that I hold so dearly.

Enjoy our stories, friends.. and please do say hello. :)