The boy that nobody knows.

He sits, quietly, immersed and lost in his own world. He builds, he creates, he imagines.
A world all his own, where he is king.
Tall towers, skyscrapers, spaceships, airplanes, fast cars.
Apple trees, music, dessert before dinner.
Houses made from blocks, changed on a whim.

A world with no noise, no confusion, no words. Just understanding.
Where nobody says hurtful words, or throws daggers from their eyes,
straight through his heart.

He doesn't know it yet but one day he'll break free.
He'll jump over the hurdles, clear them with ease.
He'll turn his back on the words, the noise, the confusion.
There is nothing that can hold him back.
King of his world.
One day.

Untitled.

Have you ever wondered why so many women cry so easily and so often?


 Our shoulders are strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
 We have the inner strength to endure both childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from our children.

 We have a hardness that allows us to keep going when everyone else gives up, and the strength and desire to take care of our family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
 We have the sensitivity to love our children under any and all circumstances, even if our child says words that hurt us, or they turn their back on us.

We have the strength to carry our husbands through his faults, the desire to protect his heart,
  and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, we have a tear to shed. This is ours exclusively to use whenever it is needed.



"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair...
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

The Sound of Silence.

You can feel it in the air.
Summer is slowly drifting away.. the hot, sticky nights slowly becoming cooler, slowly becoming darker.
The breathing, in & out, in & out of sleeping babies and sleeping children next to the white noise of the fans in being replaced with the ruffling of bedcovers by children clad in pajamas instead of their bare, clammy, skin against cold sheets.

Soon the sound of lawnmowers will be replaced with the scratch, scratch, scratch of rakes on lawns as the confetti from the trees is bagged and thrown away, the last remnants of life from the trees.. as they go quiet until next time.
After that, will be the scraping of snow shovels and the crunching of snow beneath your feet.

Soon it will be school lunches and hot chocolate instead of sandwiches on the picnic table and ice cream treats. It will be layers and zippers and "I have to pee" once you're all bundled up.. instead of cartwheels in a bathing suit on the front lawn.

Soon the nights will get longer and the days will get shorter, and we'll find ourselves wondering where the time has gone, once again.

Winter isn't found amongst my favourite of seasons, it's true, but there is so much to look forward to. So until then, we will keep changing with the seasons, keep trudging through this life, optimistic as to what is around the next bend.

And then there were 5 {Keep your chin up}

Rob's parents left almost a week ago to go back to Alberta.. I cannot even articulate how much I miss them.
I don't know if it's the fact that it's been nearly two years since we saw them last.. or maybe it's the way the kids are so in love with them.. maybe it's because I am so happy to have them near, or maybe it's because we are so lonely.

I don't know why it felt empty when they left, but Rob and I have been keeping ourselves so busy.. trying not to think too much about the cloud hanging over our heads.
Making sudden decisions to paint the kitchen and doing it in one day.. rearranging the living room to suppress that growing feeling of wanting to pack up everything and follow them to the end of the world, Rob up the the roof, finally re-shingling the mudroom..

Am I sounding just a little dramatic yet?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. all we have is each other.. just the 5 of us from day to day. We rely on each other for everything and our little family unit is strong and soldiers on, and we do it ourselves and we do it together. We have love and we have happiness, but there is loneliness there too... a yearning to have family close by, to have a mother who stops for coffees and accompanies my daughter and I for a pedicure and some girl-time.. to have a father to help with my husband with his little projects around the house and to pick on the kids and to barbeque for us on the weekends.

Little things.. little things you take for granted.

I don't regret our move back to Ontario.. we gave another province a try and it just wasn't for us and it's nobody's fault.I just wish life was easy.

I just miss the little things.. so, so much.

100 posts. {A little bit of everything}

This post marks 100 at my little corner of the WWW.. while I certainly made it past 100 at my old space, this new place is much more in a much different way. A place where I can share my stories, if with nobody but myself.. a place where I can write the way I want to write and keep a log of memories.

I'm proud to have reached 100, keeping a blog isn't as easy as it might sound, and there have most certainly been days where I've thought I might not make it. I think keeping a casual mindset regarding what I want this to be helps immensely.. keeps the pressure down to a bare minimum.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, and I have much to share and update about. My mother and father-in-law made the long trip out to see us (and meet little T!) for the first time in almost two years and as always, time flew by before we could do anything about it.. we tried to enjoy each day as it came and make the most of our short time together, but the visit was short.. much shorter than we would have liked. We miss them. Everyday.

Last weekend we drove a few hours east to celebrate with Rob's family as his cousin married her longtime boyfriend. We had a great time and I think it may have been one of the best weddings I've had the pleasure of attending.. Rob's cousin and aunt pay great attention to detail and every little thing was just beautiful. I hope that the bride and groom had a wonderful time and are very happy together for the rest of their lives.

Little T turned 9 months old on Wednesday (Yes, I have an update coming!) Holy cow. 9 months. It is just unbelievable to me. 9 months...

Well, I suppose that's all and why shouldn't it be? It's alot if you ask me.. to cram into 2 short weeks of whirlwind wonderfulness.
100 posts later and I still have lots to say. Here's to the next 100.

x

On staying cool {& staying sane}

This week, our temperatures reached record highs, and along with most of the rest of the continent, we are soaking in plenty of heat.
Yesterday the mercury rose to 37C, with the humidity reaching an unprecidented 47C.
Needless to say, other than a few in & out dips into the (not-so-cold) pool, the kids and I spent most of our time indoors, watching movies, colouring, playing video games and overall trying to escape the brutal humidity that lurked outside our windows.
These days, I am trying my best to keep the kids occupied during the summer break and when we are all trapped inside it's all we can do to not go crazy.
Here's hoping the weather lets up just a little so we can go back to enjoying our busy summer. And hey, maybe we'll even get an awesome thunderstorm when all is said and done.



Stay cool, friends.

I am from.

I am from tall mountains and wood paneled houses, from plastic animals mangled by lawnmower blades, big jars of buttons and home made stew that warms your soul.

I am from the feeling of family and zuchini bread for friendly bus drivers. From the imaginary restaurants and the corn swaying in the wind.

I am from the beautiful trails and ocean waves and the smell of salt that permeates through you, from treehouses and sand between my toes.

I am from banging pots and pans on the front porch on midnight of the new year and freckled skin, from hurricanes and spread arms, sliding on wet grass.

I am from the Palmers and Bernards, Yvonne and Diana and Alicia and Gregory. I am from the musical. From the frugal and tough skinned, but soft hearted.. the quick to laugh, the quick to cry and the quick to forgive.

From exagerrated religion and always doing the right thing. I am from choosing morals over your heart and loving your neighbor.

I'm from Campbell River, killers, lovers, fighters, from slow-cooked meals from scratch. I am from watching ‘Little House on the Prairie’ through the dining room banisters, from handmade clothing and sitting on trains.

From the fireplace that is stained with blood, dancing. From the forks and spoons on the front porch, and the brothers and sisters with no fathers.. I am from sunburned skin and cliff jumping. From picking up frogs and exploring the woods.



I am from the front hall closet, the attic, the basement, packed in baskets and bins.. edges peeling and worn.. from disks and hard drives, forever holding a place in my heart.

Trying to be selfless {& putting myself last.. first?}

I have worked on and off through my life, but for the better part of my time as a mother, I have been home with my kids. My daughter was born when I was far too young to have a child, and we struggled when she was a baby. I attended college for the earlier part of her life and obtained a degree in Early Childhood Education. I worked in public daycare for a little while until we moved further from the city, where I worked at meaningless jobs for a little while. Once Kaleb came along I stayed at home for a year, until we moved again, this time out west to follow Rob's family and see where it would take us. While we lived there and once we moved back, I continued working until after we bought our house. At that point, it was beginning to become evident that Kaleb was struggling and that he needed me home with him, so I quit my job to be home with him full-time. I babysat a few kids here and there but nothing ever really stuck.
Over the past few years I have flirted with the idea of going back to school, even though the thought is terrifying.. it is something that I really hope to do, and I let myself get my hopes up that I was going to return in January, after the baby's first birthday.

Unfortunately for me, that's just not going to happen.

Being a stay-at-home mom has been relatively easy for me up until now. Truthfully, I am doig what comes naturally to me, and that's caring for my children. Sure, I run out of patience on some days.. and other days I get a little stir-crazy.. but for the most part, I am genuinly content with where I am.

But I know it can't last forever.

Deep down in there, there's a part of me that aches to do something meaningful with my life.. to work with children like my son and feel rewarded and the end of the day. There is a part of me that yearns to make something better of myself.. to be proud of myself and subsequently have my children be proud of their mother.

It always comes down to money, in the end.

We live on one income, we're used to this and we do fine on a day-to-day basis, but to factor in tuition, along with the cost of childcare, without the second income.. just isn't doable right now.
I had to sit down and really think about this.. on one hand, I could be selfish and just do it, and on the other, I could put my family and my marriage first and set aside myself for a little longer.

I think the answer is as obvious to you as it was to me.

Rob and I already have the odds stacked up against us. We fight stereotypes every day. We got together young, had kids young, bought property young.. by all rhyme and reason we should end in a messy divorce and end up poverty-stricken, but that just isn't going to happen for us.
Maybe if I hadn't married my best friend.. maybe if we didn't have an immeasurable amount of love and respect for one another, maybe if it was anyone but us.
That being said, I feel responsible to not put an unnecessary strain on our marriage, be it financial or otherwise, so for now, furthering my education will take the back burner.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me and my family, but I know this, beyond any shadow of a doubt.

We will get there, together.

Separation Anxiety {Part Deux}

So this past weekend, I went to Rob's cousins bachelorette party in ottawa, which just happens to be a little over 3 hours away from home sweet home.

On friday night, I packed my belongings into a little bag, put what I needed into the back of my car, and wrote out a list for Rob.

I don't care what the house looks like when i get back, as long as there are four smiling faces.

I didn't sleep a wink. I tossed, I turned. I went through every possible terrible scenario in my head, as only a mother can.

On Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed and spent the early hours with my babies. I don't think I put the littlest one down for an instant. I felt sick.

Rob, give me a reason not to go.. I'll stay home if you ask me to.

My loving husband just smiled knowingly and shook his head. He reasoned with me that of course I'm going. It's necessary, and that they were all going to be just fine.
Saturday afternoon, I gave their four faces one last (or seven) kisses, jumped in my car and started driving, without looking back.

Here I go

A few hours (and a few phone calls) later, I arrived at my destination and got myself ready to enjoy the night. The night went on, I had a good time and while I missed my family dearly, I didn't worry. Not once.
I called my sleepy husband in the wee hours of the morning and after some reassurance from him, I dozed off to the images of him and the littlest one fast asleep in our bed, the older kids safe and sound in theirs.
I called again as soon as I woke up in the morning, while I was basically strapped in a chair, relieving my body from a night without nursing.

"He was an angel, Mama. You'd be so proud."

My heart swelled with both pride and a little bit of sadness. (That whole irrational thinking that we get about our babies not needing us so badly) and I told him how much I couldn't wait to see their faces.
When I finally turned into our driveway after another few hours of driving, I was greeted my two running, soaking wet kids in their swimsuits, screaming at me how much they had missed me and how happy they were that I was home.

Swallow that lump, Janyne. If you cry, they're going to think something is wrong. And oh, there is nothing in the world that has ever felt so right.

My husband walks out of the house, carrying the littlest one who is smiling an ear-to-ear grin, and stretches his little arms out towards me.

"He was perfect, Mama. I told him, too. I thanked him for being so good for Dad."

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and there have never been truer words spoken. After only one night away, I have never felt more at home.

This is the life I was meant to live. This is home. This is happiness.

Separation Anxiety

I'm leaving this weekend.. for a whole night.

It will be my first time away from the littlest one since he was born, and Daddy Dearest's first time with all three, ever.

I am a wee bit nervous, to say the least.

I'm certain that all will be well, but leaving is always hard. Especially the first time.

I guess I'll let you know how it all turns out.

Happy Father's Day...

To my husband, my partner, my lover, my best friend.
I could not have dreamed of a better father for my children and I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated, every day.

Thank you for being you.. Happy Father's Day.

Our Beautiful Boy {For your viewing pleasure}

Last weekend, we enjoyed a barbeque with some of Rob's co-workers. During the evening, our good friend Evan took some beautiful photos of the littlest one. Not only did he get some great shots, but he captured the very essence of our baby boy.
I've included some of my favourites to share.

Fortunately for us, Evan will be doing a shoot with us next weekend and I couldn't be more thrilled at the prospect of having a picture (or three!) of ALL FIVE OF US!! It's been 7 months since we've become a family of five and there is yet to be a family picture in existance.

Stay tuned!!


You can find Evan at Evan Holt Photography

Letting my weight get the best of me {A promise to myself}

This is really hard to type out and post somewhat publicly. I have a feeling that the "Publish Post" button is going to look alot more daunting than usual.

The truth is, as of late I have felt like a stranger trapped in my own body. Take some bad genes, a winter, a pregnancy, mild depression and a moderately sedentary lifestyle and you've got yourself an overweight an unhappy person.

Over the years, my weight has always been a struggle and a constant burden, if you will. It is always something that I have been self-conscious about, even when I was quite small, before having my first child, at around 105 pounds. I don't know why I have always been up and down.. I'll go from a healthy 130, up and down by 30 pounds or more within 6 months.

I need to stop allowing my weight to have control over my life. I know that I will never be the same shape or size I was before having children, and that's something that I'm okay with.. but it doesn't mean that I have to be overweight, or unhappy. I think that admitting the fact that it is real, and deciding to make the small changes that I need to make is the first step, and that's what I'm doing now. Why should I let something so trivial have such a huge effect on my happiness? I shouldn't.. and I won't.

I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I feel. I don't like my lack of energy and whe way my clothes (don't) fit. I know that I'm limited.. I can't count calories and limit myswelf while my body is nourishing the baby.. but I'm going to do what I can.. something has got to give.

Good times with friends {& a very happy birthday to a beautiful boy}

Yesterday we spent the afternoon and a good part of the evening celebrating the first birthday of Koen, the son of a good friend of mine from high school. A few years ago he moved to Calgary, met the girl who would become his wife, and had his first child. We've seen them a few times since but this was the first time I got to meet his little son.
We had a great time and when the day was over, we said our goodbyes. I don't know when the time will come when I will see them again... Why does the world have to be so big??


                                                    

& a sharp realization.

So after posting my most recent "Wordless Wednesday" I clicked on the button to view my blog and saw that I have not posted anything at all since last wednesday. For shame. I have not posted a recipe in many weeks, and nothing of substance for quite some time.

What gives?

After the surgery I had just before easter, my frequency took a dive and hasn't quite recovered. I wanted to post about my surgery.. about the emotions I was feeling and the ordeal I thought we would have at the hospital that never happened, but I couldn't quite bring myself to write it out.. maybe because I can barely articulate it to myself, let alone get it down on paper, so to speak.

I need to motivate myself to write more consistently, or I know I will regret it. Even if I'm not writing these stories for anyone but myself, I feel better when I get it out and have something to be able to look back through and read. I record of my life, so to speak.

Consider this my promise to myself. A promise to get my feelings and stories down and in words.

Sleep Deprivation {It happens to the best of us}

The little one has been stirring up some trouble in the bedroom as of late.

He will give me some rest every 4th night or so, but other than that, I spend my nights with him at my breast, screaming, flailing, arms punching my chest, little feet kicking my stomach.

What am I doing wrong? What is going on? I can't take this...

I stare at him. I stare at the clock. I change his diaper. I strip off his clothes. I rearrange our bodies and try to make everyone more comfortable. I sigh loudly. I stroke his face. I speak to him in whispers because somehow my husband's deep breaths beside me let me know that he is sleeping though this madness.

Why are you crying, child? Why can't you just tell me what to do? I'll do anything, I swear. The others slept through the night by now. Why do you cry so much?


I know it will pass. These sleepless nights are just another tiny, miniscule little part of life that passes us by before we even know what has happened.. then, he'll be another 5 year old, another 8 year old, looking way too big as I pull their blankets up around their sleeping bodies before I go to my own bed.
But at this moment, I feel helpless. I feel alone. I feel like the only person in the world who is suppose to make you stop crying and comfort you and for some reason, I cannot.

I love you. I love you. I'm not angry, just sad. Just really, really sad.


Sooner or later his eyes close. whether he wanted milk and it wasn't coming fast enough, or whether he wanted his clothes off, or whether he wanted to be tucked in the crook of my arm just so. I look at him for a few minutes before I drift off as well, and for that moment, all the frustration and sadness fades away and all it is, is me and my child and I am grateful for this moment that is ours, despite everything.

And somehow, everything is right in the world.

It's been a quiet couple of days over here.

The littlest one had quite the fever over the weekend.. (we still aren't sure if he is getting sick, or just getting a few more teeth.. only time will tell.) so we've spent the past few days just trying to get back into our niche after several hours of sleep lost.

The weekend was spent playing catch-up with the laundry and doing a small bit of work around the house, but overall, it was far less productive than we would have liked.
Oh well, C'est la vie! There's always next weekend.. and the one after that..
Summer is so close I can nearly taste it. It was 21C here yesterday and we were outside in tshirts and life was good. There's one great thing about living in a mostly cold place, is that you appreciate the warm days just that much more.

daydreamin'...

The bad days {& when they become fewer and further between}

Thursday was a bad day for little K.

He was tired, I was tired. He had a friend over and from the time he woke up he was becoming increasingly over-stimulated and frustrated.
He was doing his laps, he was stuttering his words. He was closing his eyes tight and growling. He was screaming and squealing and with every word he spoke, his voice went up an octave and became louder and louder. I was exhausted, so was he. By the end, he collapsed in his bed in a fit of tears and anger and fell asleep.
An hour later he came down the stairs, one by one.
"I'm sorry Mommy". He said quietly and came over to me when he embraced me in a great, big bear hug. The ones only he can give.
"It's okay Buddy". I said back, enjoying the hug and thinking back to just two short years ago when it was hard to get him to give even the smallest hug, let alone have him linger there for longer than a few seconds.

Some days, most days, I forget that we have a child with Aspergers. On most days, we are so stuck in our routine and our adapted way of dealing with everything that is thrown at us that I don't notice that our Kaleb is just a little bit different. A little bit different in a totally awesome way.
Most days, he just seems a little louder, a little more stubborn, a little more obsessive than most kids.

Then there are days like thursday. Days when I just want to throw myself down on the floor like a child and hug my knees to my chest and cry. Days when he is so emotionally exhausting that I just want to throw my hands in the air and stop trying.
These are the days that I have to stop and think. When I have to remind myself what it was like just one, two, three years ago, when he could barely put a sentence together, when we couldn't understand what he was trying to say and he would hit himself. When he didn't even call me "Mama". When I would cry at the thought that I was doing something wrong.
I need to stop and think about those days and never, ever forget how I felt at that very moment, because that's when I realize that I will never be there again. That we are all improving with every passing day. That the tantrums and the running and the frustration gets thinner all the time and we continue to see such a difference in our boy.

I mean, how lucky are we?? We get to experience this journey with our son. And even though there are a few "Thursdays" thrown in the mix, even though there are plenty of negative feelings and sadness and emotions that we can't even begin to articulate, we are a family, and we are amazing.

And so is he.

A pretty package came today..

Something about getting a piece of mail that isn't a bill is so very, very exciting.


It's especially exciting when said piece of mail is something that you have been waiting oh so patiently for.


I opened this box like a child on christmas day. I very gently pulled the pretty little handmade paper mobile from the bottom and held it up over Trenton's head.


He started, in awe as it twirled, ever so slightly. He most definitely approved.

Together, we walked upstairs to the room that Rob and I take so much pride in. The room we have been working on with so much love and care for the past year. We hung the mobile up above the crib in just the right spot and talked about the colours, the pictures, the way it spiraled in such a delicate way. He reached out his little hand and touched the little circles, just so.






And just like that, the final piece of this little room is in place.


You can find your own pretty handmade mobiles and other baby things at Lil' Sprout Creations

Regarding my absence

You will have to excuse the lack of posts over the past week. I have found myself stuck somewhere between birthday parties, teething babies, good company and a lack of sleep.

This past week has been a blur! We had some family over for the better part of the week and have been keeping ourselves (and the kids!) busy this March break.

Throw into the mix a 4 month old baby who is sprouting two tiny teeth on the bottom of his mouth and sleeping alot less, and you've got yourself a tired momma.

I'm going to give myself the weekend to relax and renew, and here's hoping I'll be back and fresh as ever come monday morning.
Sometimes you just need a little me time.

:)